OzZ (0zz) wrote in not_yet,

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Something Else To Add To My List

over the past few days i think i have come up with something real that i want. not that the other things arent but you know. i want to be understood. is that so much to ask? apparently it is. very few people understand me well and straight nobody understands me completely. not that i expect them to though. i dont even really understand myself. ::shrug:: i guess i just expected people to understand me a bit more...like know a bit more of what makes me tick. maybe this is my fault...i tend to keep so much hidden from people.


so my mom and dad always tell me, "cuz i know you!" and i just kind of accepted it. but now its like do they really know me? i dont think they do. if they did then they would know i want to move in with larry instead of wasting my time in a college dorm. i HATE the dorms. but they want me to "get the full college experience". please excuse me while i puke. my mom wants me to hang with the art majors. hang with the drama people. sorry thats not my scene. i mean they are all nice people and what have you and i have some friends who are art and drama but the bulk of my friends consist of...and i hate to say this...specially in light of what's recently gone down...but most of my friends are jocks. there it is plain and simple. i am a jock with jock friends. i would much rather go down and lift weights or swim than go see a play or an art show. id be bored to tears. ::sigh:: but no. thats not part of the "full college experience". fuck the full college experience.

i'm not all jock though. because everyone who knows me knows that my loyalty is with my friends and the people i actually care about. i used to skip practice and lie to my parents every single day to go see larry. and swim team was my life for 3 years...swim team was my everything. if i wasnt swimming i was basically dead. i mean i want to swim for slippery rock next year but if one of my friends needs me elsewhere then i will fuck that team over so fast. even if dani comes home (to VA) for a short time during basic or whatever and i have a meet then i'm scratching every single one of my events. and id never look back or regret it. cuz i value my friends and those i love and care about way more than any sports team.

i'm not even sure that i really do fit in with jock...maybe part of me does. but i'm also a writer. why else do you think i sat on the EDDAS staff, got fucked over royally no matter what i did and continued to take it instead of walking away? cuz i write. im a writer. thats what i do. i stick up for my writing and my work.

well now if you will excuse me i'm going to go smoke with hunter davis, my mom's old college english professor. i need to get the "full college experience"...
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